Being sick sucks.

I did however get a bunch done on my Silas Marner essay that has been haunting me. Mostly I'm having a hardtime being motivated to right the damn thing. Because really, am I going to have anything new to say about the book? I don't think so. I'm remembering why I disliked English when I was in high school. I like reading the works and discussing them but writing about them is really not my thing.

I've also been thinking about Christmas. I've been tired of Christmas since about Halloween. I just can't get into the whole presents and hype and blah. I've also been thinking that I really don't want any more stuff. I have too much stuff. So here's the announcement:

If you are planning on buying me something for Christmas,

Donate the money to charity instead.

Anyway, the SAD light seems to be doing pretty good things for me. It's not been an amazing change, but I have been feeling better.

Swing

On Friday, Depression struck with a vengeance. I was having mood swings at about five minute intervals, moving from lethargy to crying to raging to giggling. By the end of the day my skin was crawling and I couldn't stand to be touched. Being breathed on or wearing a sweater just about drove me over the bend. I was just too overstimulated.

My depression doesn't usually make me that crazy. It was pretty scary. Thanks for to everyone at James and La's for your support and understanding.

I'm starting to feel a bit better having moved away from the crazy to just existing. Being busy helps but I'm still not really great. My mom is going to buy me a SAD light. My brothers have found the pseudo-sunlight to be very helpful for their depression and hey, it can't make it worse, right?

Geeks of the World, Unite!

Yesterday at work while the desk was quiet:

Me: If I bring my book repair up here its going to be like castings summon customers.

My co-worker just looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

I'm such a geek. :)

Normal and Mom

So the test came back normal. Yay and groan. On the one hand, yay it probably not something major. On the other, we're still not sure why I'm nauseous all the time.

Hanging out with Mom was cool. Its always great to hear all the gossip from home. I got to explain to her what a succubus is and hear about Devon's allergist appointment and all the fall out from that. Its really neat to have become friends with Mom.

Tests

As some of you already know I've been having "tests" again. I've been feeling generally unwell for months; really tired and nauseous. My new doctor has been really good and taken it seriously and ordered tests. I'm going to get my results on Monday; Mom is coming with me.

My beef is the emotional trauma that comes along every time I have tests. I'm so scared the Hodgkins is going to come back and I'm going to have to go through all that again. Intellectually, I know that I'm not really very much more likely than anyone else have another round of it but I'm still scared.

I hate that my body feels like the enemy. Not feeling safe in your own home is bad enough. Try not feeling safe in your body.

I hate that every time I go through this Davyd and my parents and my friends have to go through it too. One of the worst things for me about having Hodgkins was watching my dad be scared that he was going to lose is little girl while feeling helpless and useless to do anything about it.

I guess I'm feeling particularly morose today.

This surreal moment brought to you by...

My Co-worker: [Hack, Sputter, Cough!]
Me: Hairball?
She: No, pocket lint.